How The Death Deck Helps Start End-of-Life Conversations

Originally published as Episode 52 of Thoughtful Planning Podcast. 

Finding the right words to discuss death with your family doesn't have to be overwhelming. Here's how a simple card game can break the ice and open up life-changing conversations.

The Question Most Families Avoid

How well do you really know your family's thoughts about death and end-of-life wishes?

If you're like most families, the answer is probably "not as well as I should." These conversations feel heavy, awkward, and easy to put off for "someday." But when a crisis hits, "someday" becomes "too late."

In our previous episode about HBO's The Pitt, we explored how watching realistic medical scenarios together can spark these difficult discussions. Today, we're sharing another tool that makes talking about death not just easier, but actually approachable: The Death Deck.

What Is The Death Deck?

The Death Deck is a card game containing 112 questions designed to spark lively conversations about the most universal yet rarely discussed topic of all: death.

Think you know your friends and family? The Death Deck will prove whether you really do.

What's Inside:

• Multiple choice questions that let you predict each other's answers
• Open-ended questions that explore deeper thoughts and preferences
• 112 total cards providing hours of meaningful conversation
• Flexible gameplay for partners, small groups, or larger parties

How to Play:

1. Partner mode: Try to predict your partner's answers and see how well you know each other
2. Group mode: Play together and learn surprising things about your friends and family
3. Party mode: Some people even dress in black and make an event of it

Pro tip: Review the cards before your group arrives and remove any that might be triggering for your specific situation.

Our Experience Playing The Death Deck

We recently played The Death Deck ourselves to see how well we really knew each other after years of marriage. Here's what happened:

Round 1: Space Cremains

Question: Would you consider sending your cremated remains into space?

We both chose "No, please spend that money on something more useful." Turns out, we're aligned on practical spending, even in death. Pokemon cards over space travel, apparently.

Round 2: Cremation Jewelry

Question: Would you wear jewelry made containing a loved one's cremated remains?

This one surprised us. Santiago said he'd wear it and even mentioned he'd seen wedding bands made from remains. He'd want to remake his wedding band so he could still remember Honey's memory. (Yes, we got sappy.)

Honey already wears memorial jewelry for their puppies Rexx and Maxx, so this was a definite yes for her too.

Round 3: Memorial Videos

Question: Making a video of yourself to be played after you've died is...

Honey guessed Santiago would pick "on my to-do list." But Santiago revealed he'd essentially already done it with a video they created for the kids about their experience with September 11, 2001. Honey had also made one for her memorial during her doula class.

The interesting part? Santiago brought up a great idea about perhaps having a video for each person in our immediate family. Santiago joked that "already done it" should have been option D on the card. Since it wasn't an official choice, they called this round a tie.

The Open-Ended Question That Got Us

Question: "Who would you want as your official greeter upon death?"

Honey immediately said Maxx and Rexx, their beloved dogs. Santiago agreed, with the caveat that if one of them died first, he'd want Honey there to greet him. (We got sappy again.)

The takeaway? Even after years together, this simple game revealed things we'd never explicitly discussed and gave us language for wishes we'd never voiced.

When to Use The Death Deck (And When Not To)

Perfect Timing:

✅ When everyone is healthy and not facing immediate end-of-life decisions 

✅ During family gatherings when you want meaningful conversations 

✅ As a follow-up to watching shows like The Pitt together 

✅ When adult children come home for holidays 

✅ As an icebreaker for support groups

NOT the Right Time:

❌ When someone is actively dying or in hospice care 

❌ During acute grief or recent loss 

❌ If participants are in mental health crisis 

❌ When anyone expresses they're not ready

Important: If you or someone you know is facing difficulties, please talk to a professional or call a helpline. You don't have to face anything alone.

Beyond The Death Deck: Specialized Conversation Tools

While The Death Deck works great for general conversations when everyone is healthy, there are specialized tools for specific situations:

The EOL (End of Life) Deck

This deck is specifically created for use when someone is actually facing end-of-life decisions. It's designed to help families, caregivers, and healthcare providers navigate conversations about immediate wishes and care preferences during a critical time.

The Dementia Deck

This newer deck focuses specifically on dementia-related care decisions. It helps people express their preferences about future care while they're still able to articulate their wishes clearly, and it supports families in understanding what matters most to their loved ones facing this diagnosis.

Shop all decks here

The Critical Step Most People Miss

Here's what you need to know: These card games are fantastic conversation starters, but they will never replace legal documentation.

Think of these decks as the first step in a process:

1. Break the ice with The Death Deck or similar conversation tool
2. Have meaningful discussions about everyone's wishes
3. Document everything legally through advance care directives

Once you've had these conversations and know everyone's wishes, you still need to document them properly in legal documents like advance care directives. Your wishes need to be legally protected, not just understood.

Get free printable advance directives for your state

How to Start These Conversations in Your Family

Not sure how to introduce The Death Deck without making things awkward? Try these approaches:

The Direct Approach

"I recently heard about this card game that helps families talk about end-of-life wishes. Want to try it together?"

The Casual Approach

Bring it out during family game night alongside other games. "I got something different to try tonight."

The Educational Approach

"I listened to a podcast about having these conversations. They recommended this tool. Can we try it?"

The Party Approach

Make it an event. Invite close friends, encourage everyone to dress in black, and create a safe space for vulnerable conversations.

Remember: Go through the cards first and remove any that might be triggering for your specific group. You know your family and friends best.

Why These Conversations Matter More Than You Think

In our episode about The Pitt on HBO, we shared the story of a 19-year-old who overdosed on Xanax laced with fentanyl. He was brain dead, and his driver's license showed he was an organ donor.

His mother initially said no to organ donation because they'd never discussed it. She was grieving, in shock, and being asked to make this huge decision without knowing her son's true wishes.

Eventually, the parents agreed to donate. There was even a beautiful "honor walk" where hospital staff and the son's friends lined the hallway to honor him.

But imagine if that family had played The Death Deck together. Imagine if that 19-year-old had been able to say, "If something like this ever happens, this is what I want."

That one conversation could have prevented additional heartbreak during an already devastating time.

Taking Action Today

Here's what we're asking you to do:

1. Get a conversation tool - Whether it's The Death Deck or another method, choose something that works for your family
2. Set a date - Actually schedule when you'll have these conversations
3. Prepare the space - Create a comfortable environment where everyone feels safe being vulnerable
4. Follow through - After the conversations, complete your legal documentation

The hardest part is starting. Once you break the ice, you'll be surprised how naturally the conversation flows.

Your Family Will Thank You

These conversations are never easy. They touch on our deepest fears and force us to confront our mortality. But they're so important.

When you take the time to understand your family's end-of-life wishes now, you're giving them an incredible gift: the knowledge that their wishes will be honored and the peace of mind that comes from being truly known.

Your family will thank you for starting these conversations. Even more importantly, they'll thank you for following through with the legal documentation that protects those wishes.

The Essential Question

How well do you really know your family's thoughts about death and end-of-life wishes?

Resources

Conversation Tools:

• The Death Deck, EOL Deck, and Dementia Deck

Legal Documentation:

• Free printable advance directives by state

Get More End-of-Life Planning Help:

• Website: https://www.legacytoolkit.com/contact
• Email: [email protected]
• Subscribe to Thoughtful Planning podcast for more episodes about life's biggest planning moments

Thoughtful Planning helps families navigate life's biggest moments without feeling overwhelmed. Listen to more episodes on your favorite podcast platform by searching "Thoughtful Planning."

Keywords: The Death Deck, end-of-life conversations, family planning, death planning, advance directives, EOL deck, dementia deck, family communication, death card game, end-of-life wishes, difficult conversations, legacy planning